Friends of Khris Pants

Kelechukwu Okoji

This is Kel’s “I Take Biking Seriously” face.

Some say Kel does not exist, that he is a myth, a silly bedtime story that fathers tell their sons.

Kel can bench press a small vehicle…with one hand.

Kel drank a fifth of vodka somewhere in the Canadian wilderness, got naked and killed a bull moose with his bare hands. He wore the bull moose home.

Nobody can survive being hit by a meteor…except for Kel.

Before these epic tales of Kel began to circulate he lead a much simpler life. We met in high school during the cross country season in my sophomore year (1999/2000?). Many miles were ran and many bottles of pineapple soda were consumed. Distance running is his bitch. 

I’ve seen Kel one or twice every year since graduating high school usually during a track team alumni event. It feels like he gets taller every year. I’m sure he doesn’t but it sure does seem like it. What’s your secret, Kel? I hope it’s vegetables.

It’s funny how everything after high school seems like a blur and every year seems to pass a lot more quickly than the one prior. Randomly bumping into Kel (and those from that era) reminds me that there once existed a period in time when everything was in fact much different (not better or worse, just different). This is when I look off into the distance with an air of nostalgia and harp music faintly plays in the background.

etc - Kel’s AIM screen name “El Juego” means “The Game” which is one letter away from “El Jugo” meaning “The Juice.” Kel likes juice. Not a coincidence.

Stephen Bingcang

He’s as much of an enigma to me as the picture implies.

I met Stephen in grammar school in the 7th grade. He was a short kid with poofy Asian hair and glasses. He was in the same homeroom class as my girlfriend at the time so they were presumably friends to some degree. He was also probably really smart since he wore glasses and stuff.

I honestly wish I could remember other details about him. I’m pretty sure he graduated with us the following year but I don’t know where he ended up going to high school. He was one of those quiet people that completely existed off my radar. I’ve always been a quiet kid myself so I would naturally gravitate towards those more extroverted than me which probably explains why we were never friends. 

The back-to-the-camera-gazing-off-into-the-distance pose makes this entry quite mysterious. Who is this man? What if he’s a lonely drifter exploring the United States by hitchhiking and doing odd jobs to pay his way? He could also be a an evil genius working on the next big military development (killer robots perhaps?). I really can’t/don’t want to rule either of these options out. 

Stephen, if you read this please send me a message. I have many questions about evil robots.

etc - Last listed location was in LA. I’m going to imagine that he has some Tupac singles on the “Sweet Drifter Tunes” playlist on his iPod along with some Creedence Clearwater Revival and Steppenwolf.

Vladimir Charles

He coined the phrase “Shut up, Khris.”

Vlad used to live across the street from me when I was still in Jersey City. We went to grammar school together and I haven’t seen him since we graduated in 98. I remember hanging out with him sometimes during lunch periods in the 7th grade. There also used to be this kid in our class who constantly called him “Bladder-mir” thinking it was the most hilarious thing in the world. Kids are assholes. Hopefully he didn’t grow up with some weird complex about it in high school. It’s weird how those kinds of things carry on for longer than even the originator can recall.

etc - We used to live by Kennedy Blvd which was basically the border between the decent streets and the hood. I do not miss living near that.

Audrick Pormento

Audrick Clinton Pormento aka AC aka Ace aka More Aliases Than A Wu-Tang Clan member.

I went to high school with Audrick and I always thought that he would be great in a toothpaste commercial. No joke, this dude used to smile a lot. Every day I’d see him at his locker or in class grinning like he won the lottery or some shit. Oddly enough this made me feel compelled to congratulate him or at least give him a high five all the time. Glad that I didn’t. It wouldn’t have been great for me to be “Weird, No-Reason Congratulations Guy.”

Two other high school memories that stand out in my mind about Audrick are 1) he sang/played guitar and 2) he was voted king at our senior prom. (Conspiracy theorists take note: he was also part of the planning committee. *dun*dun*dun*) I think the official song at prom was In My Life by The Beatles which I actually never heard until that night. Looking back, most of prom was a blur. It was in the middle of Jersey somewhere, there were dresses, tuxes, flowers, someone cried, people hooked up, limos got lost, etc but actual details currently escape me.

etc - Three elements that may appear on Audrick’s person in an FB picture: aviator glasses, wrist accessory and/or plaid shirt.

Katie Erbs

Katie starts with a K, koala starts with a K…mind blown.

I don’t remember formally meeting Katie. Though I do remember my Gmail pulling her name up as Katherine for a while which confused the hell out of me. It also didn’t help that Katie’s hair updates more often than my Facebook status. It is like camouflage. Take note: I can easily be deceived or mislead with a haircut or change in hairstyle. I am no Sherlock Holmes. If a person wanted to avoid me then it would not be very difficult.

Katie runs quite a bit which is awesome but also immediately reminds me of how little I personally run. In the rare instance that I go for a jog and am struggling to make my second mile I like to think of non-running related things to help me deal with fatigue. I’m sure Katie does the same. One philosophical issue that I tend to meditate upon is the merits of jam vs. marmalade. Running really brings out my inner Socrates.

When we used to sit in adjacent cubicles I’d always see Katie at her desk working really late. I’m still curious where she found the time to run…probably the same place I found time to sit around and eat donuts.

etc - If Katie were to start a fan club the members would be called Kerbivores.

Levi Malinao

I can’t fit all of the Top Gun references I want to make in this space.

The first time I met Levi was some time in 2009. I think he picked me and John up from the office in his Mini Cooper. The entire ride all I could think about was that movie The Italian Job and how badly I wanted to participate in a heist. I would do anything to be the explosives expert or getaway driver. I’d also have some sweet nickname like Frankie Four Fingers or Handsome Rob…I would also even settle for Adorable Rob or Cute Enough To Sleep With One Time Rob.

I consider Levi a happy person and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in a bad mood.  I secretly fear the rage potential of happy people, though. Some days they need to let the beast out the cage, you know? And when they do, that shit is scary. He once used the phrase “Filipino fire” for the hidden anger that passive Filipinos like myself have. I’m going to turn into the Incredible Hulk one day except instead of turning green I’ll probably just get browner…and only marginally stronger.

etc - Levi’s last name reminds me of the Tagalog word “malínaw” which means clear or distinct. 

Scott Simon

Scott knows all about the four C’s.

Scott was one of the last surviving members of our Information Systems major at NYU. We started with about 30 people and after the majority of our classmates transferred there were only really about 10 of us left…maybe less? We had another Scott in our class so this Scott was just referred to as Simon to keep things easy. Other Scott’s last name was Greenstein which isn’t as catchy so he got to keep his first name.

Around 2003 or 2004 me, Scott and a couple other people started putting together ideas to start this company that would build and support computer networks for public schools with limited budgets using Linux and all kinds of open source software. This idea was so amazing at the time and I really had no concept of how complex of an operation it actually was. Needless to say, this did not work out. It did inspire me to put together plans for building a network of hacked Playstation 2 consoles as a cheap alternative to a full on computer network in an office setting. This idea also did not come to fruition.

Sigh. We had such big dreams back then.

etc - Scott’s hair does not appear to have changed much since college. Consistency. I like it.

Ceejay Medina

Come at me, bro.

This is my cousin Ceejay. He lives in a town in South Jersey that is really close to Philadelphia. It’s around that questionable area where Eagles fans and Giants fans struggle to co-exist. New Jersey isn’t huge but it’s like a whole different country out there. Any time we drive down I can tell when we’re nearby because the names of the surrounding towns sound made up (e.g. Brooklawn — really?).

Ceejay is a 90’s baby so I distinctly remember him in his infancy. It’s real trippy being able to watch someone grow up. Equally trippy is the fact that he’s part of that generation of college kids born the same year Terminator 2 and Hook were in theaters. (RUFIOOOOOOOOOOO!)

I don’t hear it often these days but he’s one of the few people who calls me “kuya.” Over the years I’ve been conditioned to be able to know I’m directly being addressed even in a room full of kuyas.

etc - Apparently he plays Call of Duty…a lot.

Rebecca Hardy

She really thought this was a magnifying glass :-(

The first time I encountered Rebecca Hardy was in 2008 while walking through one of the micro kitchens at work. We looked at each other and I wanted to greet her but she just kept walking because there was apparently something more fascinating behind me.

Burn.

We’re friends now, though.

Rebecca is from Savannah, GA - a place I did not know existed until the TV show of the same name ran on The WB in 1996. She doesn’t have an accent like a southerner but she used to be really nice like one…then she became a New Yorker. Totally forgivable, though. It’s actually kinda charming whenever she flips me off now.

If the zombie apocalypse were to happen tomorrow Rebecca would be the first person I would look for because:

• wilderness survival skills
• knows how to run efficiently
• can carry heavy things
• willing to kill me if I were to become a zombie
• possibly able to kill a 28 Days Later-style zombie barehanded 

I can depend on her when shit goes down on Z-Day. What more could I ask for? However, I do hope she never becomes a zombie because she would probably be incredibly hard to kill.

etc - When verbally referring to Rebecca I will usually say her full name.

Kim Gross

“Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy…”

I have absolutely no context as to what happened before, during or after this picture was taken but I distinctly remember literally laughing out loud when this was first posted. The combination of Kim faking her death, the hipster filter, old dudes in the back and the questionably maintained air hockey table was comedy gold for some reason. Well played, Kimberly. Well played.

For the longest time I thought Kim worked in New York and it wasn’t until she actually moved here that I learned she came from Michigan. Every time I meet someone from Michigan I think about this report I did in grade school (state bird is the robin; capital is Lansing; their main industries/products/services include automobiles, cereals and rappers). Good times.

Anywho - Kim sits on the other side of our floor which is separated by a glass-walled office. Sometimes I look through the glass and imagine that her and the other cube occupants are fish with faces like people…and arms like people…and bodies…like people… Okay, so I’m essentially just looking at non-fish people through glass walls. Sigh.

In a previous life Kim did volunteer work in Kenya. Saved some lives, inspired foreign communities, etc — all in a day’s work for KG.

etc - From what I have observed, Kim is not afraid of heights.